With Some Time On My Hands.

Okay,
One: I know--don't start a sentence with a preposition; however, I am invoking the right to bend the rules for titles.
Two: I really don't have time on my hands. If you could only see my home right now you'd kick me and then ask questions. I am currently "doing" laundry, well I have mentally figured out how long it will take for washing the necessities (undies, socks and jeans), then I need to empty the dishwasher and wash the pots and get the CrazyOne to sweep the floor. She likes to mop so... hmm....



How were your last months leading to the new year? Eventful? Uneventful? Whichever way the wind blew, I hope you weathered it well. As I was saying I have a few moments on my hands; Eldest is in Tokyo for the Kanto Plain Championship Swim Meet. This year she qualified for all the events even being in a new age group 11-12 year old. Last year she only qualified for two events. You could say she was on cloud nine for the two weeks leading up to today. I am so proud!
It's just me and the CrazyOne chillin' watching Toy Story and the original Clash of the Titians. We are going to rent Tron next week, getting all ready for the new Toy Story movie and the remakes of Tron and Titians. Can't wait!!!
Life is good, its also a beautiful day too. I figured this is a great time to actually put my thoughts into action instead of thinking of blog posts (something I do way too often for the amount of publishing I actually do)




The last post I published was way back in October; as stated I was thrilled with all that was happening and all that was on the out look. I got approval for selling my handmade bath and body products on base; we were transferring to a new command here in CFAY--same job, bigger ship; and CrazyOne was doing much better with her decision to go to leave homeschooling and move on to greener pastures. I was looking into getting certified in aromatherapy and become a group aerobics instructor. I was looking also forward to the increase in pay SailorMan would be getting from his approved spot promote. Not only would it help in killing the last of debt, but we will actually be able to enjoy some time abroad--Philippines, Thailand and if we could swing it Australia, or New Zealand... I got to visit Hong Kong--paid for everything in cash even! The traveling bug definitely bit me and best of all the Unfortunates are older and easier to travel with, financially travel means EVERYONE can go, Yippy!!!


Then, two weeks after returning from Hong Kong, I had a suspicious inkling... I already had a doctor's appointment scheduled, so I made a point to speak with the good doctor (whoever it was going to be this time: I have never met my primary care physician--never available for appointments--and after 18 months of being here, I was on my fourth--not of my request-- TriCare appointed pc manager). After pressing my point, he gave in and ordered lab work for me despite him thinking I was wrong. I did the labs and four hours later--CrazyOne playing with friends, Eldest of course at swim practice, SailorMan finally on his new Steal Mistress--I was proven right: I was just three weeks pregnant. The doctor over the phone, sort of apologized and congratulated me. By then I could barely choke out a thinly veiled thank you over what I wanted to tell him. I knew it would have been taking out my frustration and anger out on him over what I didn't appreciate happing to me. When I suspected I was pregnant, I was pretty hard pressed not to go into a full bout of depression. SailorMan was happily leaving one command and too eagerly chasing after his next. As upset as I was over his actions and behavior, I set my mind aside and tried to immerse myself in his giddy joy of getting a cloud higher to his pie in the sky. Eldest was gearing up to turning 11 and CrazyOne was finally giving us a temporary reprieve from her, nearly beyond my patience, modus operandi. I had plenty of fodder to use to keep my mind off of being pregnant; yet, now...
Upstair in my room, ending the phone call in tears, I laid my head on my pillow and in misery, happily gave into the cracks of the shoddy damn I had built over the last week. I sobbed for a good hour.


Sucking it up to get ready for the evening; I washed my face, set about getting dinner prepped and awaited Eldest to call for us to pick her up from swimming. Despite how I may feel, I do have a life that mercilessly marches forward.
The bitch was when I wasn't busy, such as after I set out an assignment for Eldest and I finished grading whatever she just turned into me and I had time to read while she worked. After staring at a page for 20min, I realized I really was bad. I tried to pretend that I was better after crying again in the shower before going to bed the night before, and almost crying while making breakfast, then walking CrazyOne to school. I let some tears leak out while walking back from the school... but not too much since people I know drive past me in the mornings when walking to and from Crazy's school. Eldest and I didn't walk SuicideGirl in the mornings under the pretext that I will walk her at night with some friends. Truth: I just walked her to get away from the house and to cry. I was a mess. Just remembering and writing of it now brings some tears to my eyes. Not of the same feelings but of sympathy and understanding of where I was then, not so long ago. Three days straight of out right crying and barely held in check tears. I didn't tell a soul--how could I when I would have just burst into tears. I was happy for the Life, but NOT for it being me. I was done with babies and mentally moved on fully entrenched with the progression of my children who were entering middle childhood and early adolescence. New adventures and challenges to be had and the idea of starting from square one again was not appealing and the thought of maybe trying was firmly set aside whenever I had the chance to look after very little ones of friends and acquaintances--as cute as they may have been, it was a resounding no. I wanted to tell my mom. I didn't want a phone call, I wanted to tell her in person and crawl up in her lap and cry, then be giving a mental slap and a hug and be told it will be alright and this too will be lived through well. So I waited till SailorMan called home... I sent him an email telling him he should call home when he gets the chance.


Well, would it suffice to say that was an unpleasant phone call? He was ecstatic but quickly realized I was anything but. I did not want another baby. I felt angry: I was originally going into the doctor's to begin birth control again after getting off of it for health reasons and the promise of other means of less evasive permanent birth control. You could say I was tired of waiting. Angry that I foolish enough and waited so long against my better judgment. I felt trapped, in that I am in a relationship of two, not just me. I felt it was wrong to go and do as I wished when it was made evident that SailorMan was hoping against hope that I would change my mind. The man isn't home enough to have convinced me otherwise; yet in the end, going in with out including my husband was exactly what I finally decided to do and I was too late, in the end there was no one to blame but myself. I felt guilty: I finally moved beyond guilt over not wanting to try for that boy, to have another baby with my children getting older everyday. I am not one of those individuals who feel a good part of their happiness in living is derived from keeping a steady flow of little ones in the home and in their arms. I know I am still young and "you never know, it could be that boy." Your right, it could be that boy and even if it is another girl, I have no desire to try or want to go through that aspect of life again, and NO I do not wish that I could keep any of my children at any stage of their life for just a bit longer. It is not natural nor is it fair. The joy of children is seeing every step of them becoming their own person, no matter how aggravating or upsetting it may be at times (especially with Crazy who only recently seems to be on track to see her seventh year of life). As poorly worded as all this has been, it is the bones of what I felt. And here I was, with an unwanted pregnancy when there are many I continually come across who want that chance to be pregnant or to have an infant to call their own at last or once again.



I also was disgusted and embarrassed for all my feelings. Very much so.
This was very hard.
I didn't want to overly worry SailorMan, only days on board his new command which was to be out at sea for a good five weeks more. I didn't want to worry my mom on the other side of the pond. Still had the girls to take care of and a new baby and being this way was not doing me or anyone else any good, so I really had to work on getting out of this mire. I finally told three other people and felt a bit better. I took it day by day and didn't allow myself to think of the coming 7.5 months or I would be right back where I was at day one. I eventually began to warm up to the idea of being a mom of a baby and older children. I thought I was doing well till I met up with friends at the O'Club for happy hour (No, I don't drink, I like being with friends and good acquaintances.). There was an acquaintance there who asked if I was in the 95% who are happy to be pregnant or the other. As my hard to keep at times policy, I told the truth. I don't think being two sheets to the wind was helping her, but she kept going on and on about having babies in the house and how exciting, she wishes constantly she could have more and once that little one in in my arms and has been around for a year, I won't be able to imagine life without him or her. "You never know, it could be that boy." Ugg, there was that phrase again and I realized as she kept on and on that I really did come aways from those first days after the phone call, but... I still had VERY far to go. Instead of keeping the pathetic smile plastered on my face as I woodenly nodded and voiced pleasantries, I excused myself to the toilets to cool down. Wow, the way I felt just then really bothered me and left me much to think upon for the rest of the week and weekend. The anger was ebbing away, but it was being replaced by resentment. At least I then knew what was bothering me and what to work on and as annoyed as I was, I was very happy in the end to have had such a chat with Happy Hour Chatter.



Through all this, I was dealing with extreme nausea. Eldest I was only sick when I was just two weeks before delivery of her, CrazyOne I was partially nauseous in the first trimester ("Its a sign, its a boy."). NOW, with such misery, my way of working out stress through physical activities was nixed. For a good six plus weeks I couldn't walk up the stairs without seriously contemplating the value of having a plastic-lined bucket at the halfway point. I laid on the couch hugging my pillow longing for better stomach days. It was a good day if I only gave gifts and uttered the proper mutterings to the porcelain god twice. Damned if I ate and damned if I didn't... there really was no difference between the two. I have been show my blessings through friends that took the Unfortunates out to eat or just off my hands every so often on the weekends. Eldest was very responsible and only needed me to utter what I would like accomplished that day in school work and she faithfully did it, graded and corrected the work. CrazyOne being in school added to the blessings--as much as I miss homeschooling her, schooling just would not have happened for anyone. Eldest, being 10yr old with her own ID card was able to go shopping at the Commissary as long as I remembered to withdraw lots of cash for shopping.



Then Christmas Vacation!!! Kids play with their little CFAY Urchins posse and I can happily let my mind wonder to better days of no endless headaches and upper gastro rioting. Zofran was a dim light in my world along with SailorMan arriving home to play interference with the Unfortunates. Zofran kept the gifts to the god to every two to three days, so I could finally "enjoy" eating a meal only once as oppose to twice. I still felt like fecal matter twice over, but the knowledge that food will be staying around was such a moral booster... words can hardly express the relief I felt. Thanks to Zofran, I was able to enjoy the ballet of The Nutcracker put on by the Leningrad Ballet, that I put my family through and they actually enjoyed. Yea! The New Year has come and gone, the O.B. told me to give my second trimester a try before refilling the Zofran, I wanted to rip the head off the O.B. two days later when I ran out of Zofran; however a good two weeks later I only give up a meal or two every two to four days and I am only walking nauseous 60% of my waking hours instead of lifeless nauseous 98% of my waking hours. Schooling for all Unfortunates has begun and I am now 18 weeks and 4 days and the little one is far more sincerely welcomed by me than before. I thank God, family and friends for their enthusiasm, understanding and support through this. I finally can happily imagine little feet following myself and the Unfortunates around. When I take CrazyOne to the park to swing on the monkey bars, or to cheer on Eldest at a home meet. I can see myself with happy expectation carrying around a snotty, fussy, stinky, wiggling, cute look alike to its siblings at such stages of weeks and months of age and be hard pressed to imagine life with out the new edition. I registered for the baby, since we own NOTHING baby, we have to start all over again. I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of my mom and Boi come late June and instead of the little one being due on the 6th of July, baby is now due 23 June due to my very short fertility cycle. The baby so far is a bit bigger than normal for its age and there is no doubt when the baby was conceived so... only time will tell it's size and the way it's going, it will be lucky to get enough to eat. I'm not exactly thrilled over the gap in age it will be to the first Unfortunates: 11 years 4 months from Eldest and 7 years and 1 month from CrazyOne. Yes, I know, babysitters, but really--be fair, yes they will have to do sitting time with the wee one, however the girls are getting older and also (with careful watch) learning to live and be their own person, and I for one detested babies and young children when I was old enough to babysit, in fact I didn't care for children beside's my brother and sometimes my young cousins while I was home. My friend did bring to mind an excellent point regarding me skipping out on traveling again with a baby; leaving the baby will not be like leaving your first baby to travel somewhere--be it 20min away or 9 hours away. The little one will be left not just with someone but with it's sisters who will keep an excellent care and eye on it too. Life will be much different, but life does march mercilessly on and I will be right there with it.
The pictures are just various ones throughout late September to now. The other greyhound and the horse of a dog (who was a small great dane) were just boarders at our home. Beauties aren't they?
あけましておめでとうございます (Akemashite omedeto gozaimasu)
Happy New Years! Hope your new year is going well. Oh, and its official: its a girl. The Tech checked nine different times.